Being Emotionally Real
What is like to be raw and vulnerable and to be held in kindness while feeling something real like that?
It is interesting when one begins the journey of self-discovery.
I remember even as a little girl wondering about why didn’t I feel connected any longer to other people. Being an identical twin, it seemed only natural that we would all feel and see and think similar things. Not—:) But I do remember at one point getting interested in ESP. Yet nobody seemed to talk about such things in the mainstream at the time. So I became like many others, loosing touch with my deeper sense of connection.
Then when I hit my early 30’s, I began to wonder again those basic questions that I think touch many people: Who AM I? Why am I here? What is my purpose? Again, I did not find many others who spoke about such things. Was it because I was a Pisces, a sensitive and creative woman?
But then I picked up a book, called Hands of Light, written by Dr. Barbara Brennan and felt a whoosh of ah ha. There are other people in the world who are aware of energy and connection in its more subtle forms. I really wanted to go to school right then and there, but I had young children, so I waited. At some point, it did all come together, and the stars aligned so that I might go. That school for me was a place for me so sacred and profound. I faced my deepest fears, touched into places I never imagined in my mind and heart. At the same time, I found it very difficult. I wanted my teachers to fit into my “picture of God” pure, peaceful, compassionate and wise. And they did carry some of these aspects, but they were humans just like me. With their own flaws and unconscious conditioning. So I struggled, I fought, and I cried. At this wonderful school of healing, there was still so much conflict and pain for me. Things left unhealed in them, and things left unhealed in me. But I wouldn’t have changed a thing as they were my guides to the next level of awakening. They laid the foundation for me to be in better relationship. They gave me the space and time to feel raw and dark, love and hate, and peace at such a level I had never known before. I was attached, but I had to leave. I departed with some incredible new friends spread across the globe and such mentors to help me on my way. One who held me close and saved me from myself more than once. Eventually I would teach and I still supervise students. I love the work that I learned there.
Next I moved into my Hakomi training. It was gentle approach from a psychotherapy perspective in mindfulness. The work itself, like the Brennan Science was amazing. Yet even within this quiet and easy container, I felt rage and anger. And wouldn’t you know it, a person from my Brennan Graduate class showed up who I didn’t feel comfortable with, who kept triggering me into my darkness. I loved the work, but I was always challenged. And in all this time, I found some of the instructors to be kind and understanding, and others judging me for feeling so unedited. Was there any place that I could be “real”?
Bert Hellinger’s work caught my eye. I studied there for a while. Learned about family order and lineage healing. Profound and touching our lives on a soul level.
Afterwards, I went into the school SPI for Trauma Training. I expected the founder of the school to be teaching as was advertised. That is why I signed up. But she took ill. A new teacher arrived and I felt so disappointed. Oh- my raw stuff again. But I learned new tools, I processed my “stuff” and away I went with another “tic” under my belt.
If that wasn’t enough, I decided to delve into the Upledger Institute’s work and found myself finally happy with a basic curriculum that focused on the physiological. It took me some type to develop my work, but I loved trusting the “Inner Physician” within my clients and just enjoyed riding the waves. Well, then as I advanced, I started getting more involved in the SER (SomatoEmotional Release) part of the curriculum. Well, you guessed it… in the group my deep feelings seeped right out again. Only this time, the holding was more dear. Not quite enough though. While I looked for someone on the outside to help me, I continued to have a small piece that kept on suffering.
Next stop on the journey, I decided to visit the Byron Katie School for 9 days. Now this was a shift. No bullshit and no Ego teaching here. Each person was taught how to ask 4 basic questions to then turn around in order to find our own answers. Any feelings I felt were mine. Nobody else to blame as all there was were the questions and my mind. What a relief. Taking responsibility for how I felt and created. With each of these teaching, I stepped out of my box and expanded and grew.
Last stop was on a farm in Northern Ohio. I studied with Jackie Stevenson with her horses to learn about equine self-discovery. This was my final destination to truly find inner peace. She held a position of such quiet unconditional love. She took no glory from the healing and growth there. She put the onus on each of us to have our own experience. There was no judgement from any of the participants that I could see. All egos left at the door. So good to be free to cry to say whatever was on my mind, and to stop hiding all that I judged within me. The horses were magical and everything was perfect there for the first time in my life.
Now I have a farm. I work with my horses and other animals. I have also worked with www.integrativeintentions.com in their dolphin program. I have taken everything that I have learned from all these great places and applied them to my life. I now can say, that I let life and every moment teach me. I have let go of wanting other people to give me what I longed for because I know that it is already here. I have felt raw and I have felt deep. But now those feelings feel so much softer and easier. Not saying that I no longer have my distortions or masks. But my tool box is full. My heart is full. And my brain understands things with much more clarity. I can live real as me now.
With all of this said and done, it is freeing being more real and authentic. There are prices to pay for coming out of your shell. People might rebel or leave you, but you will find yourself. I believe that is why we are here. To remember that God is right here inside and that we are the creative aspects of love embodied. It doesn’t mean ignoring your rawness, but it does mean allowing things to be as they are and to progress and they need in their own time. So be with the moment. Explore your relationships and grace will help you to uncover your greatness and essence. The journey is a wave. Ride it. Be it. And know that while this earthy world is temporary, that love is not. Something deeper is calling us all home. That something is real.
Sharon Hartnett LMT
Columbus, Ohio
740 966-5153
